Out of Gas
by future cop
Summary: Mal/River Picks up durring the episode Out Of Gas when Mal stays with the ship, except this time someone decides to stay with him. T for swearing.
1. Chapter 1

OUT OF GAS

Chapter 1: The Change

As they entered the shuttle her brother looked to her for a moment but seemed unperturbed by her seating choice. She was directly beside the door, the door closed only by her say-so when she pressed the button her brother placed the items in his hands down by the door as Wash headed toward the control panel with a small wink in her direction as he did. When she couldn't sleep at night she would sneak out of her room and join him on the bridge, he was teaching her some of the technical tricks of flying, even let her fly the ship herself once or twice. "Want to press that button for me kiddo?" he asked nodding his head at the door close button. She looked out into the bay of the ship she had come to call home to see Captain Reynolds standing in the middle of the bay looking at Inara's shuttle as the doors close. His patient brown eyes then looked to their shuttle as the other flew off clearly waiting for them to do the same.

Her eyes froze locked on hers and she tilted her head to the side reaching her hand out the door and touching the ship with her hand gently. "Kiddo?" Wash inquired after her; she turned back and saw her brother looking at her concerned.

"Ok," she replied standing, she pressed the large red button to close the doors, it took them three seconds to close and when the door was at two she slipped through ignoring Simon's shout. Outside the door she took to the control panel as she heard the Captain's boots banging up the metal stairs clearly intending to put her back on the shuttle but with a small giggle she pressed the enter button on the control panel re-configuring the launch codes, it would take Wash and Kaylee days to fix what she had done in minutes. She heard Malcolm curse as she scurried over to the other side to do the same to the docking station for Inara's shuttle as well.

"The hell is the matter with you!" he shouted pressing random buttons on the panel hoping to fix the mess she had made. He turned and glared at her and she smiled back turning in a large circle ad made her way down the stairs. He slammed his hands into the railing and took off after her grabbing her by the arm when she hit the belly of the ship.

"Captains don't go down with the ships anymore… why did they before?" she asked him her eyes wide and curious. "They're just pieces of metal or wood, why die with it when you can be saved?"

"The emotion of it I suppose." He answered after a moment; she had answered a question he had been asking himself since he realized that he could not leave Serenity. "When you're connected to something as strongly as I am to her, she's given me everything."

"You answered your own question." She told him, "Serenity saved me too." With that she was off skipping back through the rooms, it would be a few hours before the cold would be overwhelming and she wanted to take advantage of that time. She knew Simon had probably found her note and was about to call the bridge so she made her way there knowing the captain was still standing dumbfounded in the middle of the room. She curled herself underneath the co-pilot's chair almost invisible and stayed there as she heard the message alert start echoing through the ship.

"Moonbrain now I got to deal with a pain in the ass doctor complaining at me about his damn sister he can't near control anyway." He pressed the button connecting him to the video screen of the shuttle he could see hovering in front of the ship.

"Get her back!" were the first shouted words he heard from Simon Tam. "I want my sister on this shuttle right now!"

"Well far as I can see she's made it pretty certain that isn't going to happen doc." He replied hunched over the screen as calm as he could be.

"She's out of her mind she doesn't know what she's done." River huffed under the chair and the captain immediately looked to her his eyebrows furrowing.

"Seems she does there doctor and I don't take kindly to you yelling at me from my own shuttle on to my ship, your sister isn't coming back to you and my mate needs help. Wash I'm ordering you to take that ship out and tie up the doctor if you got too get Zoe somewhere safe if you can."

"Got it Captain." Wash replied with a small nod. Malcolm cut the power to the video screen and turned to face the chair that he could see a bit of River's leg but none of her face. He rolled his eyes and spoke instead to where he thought her head might be.

"Want to explain what that meant, when you said Serenity saved you too." He looked at the chair and saw one of her eyes poke around the right side of the chair.

"Why?" she asked softly her voice a bit more lucid then it tended to be apparently making her own decisions made the girl a bit more sane than normal.

"Because I don't rightly understand you sometimes and I figure this might just be something we'd have in common and since there's a fair chance with might just die here on this boat I'd like to know the person I'm dyin' with." He answered, the rest of her head poked around the chair and he was struck again but just how pretty the girl was. She and the doc were dead ringers for each other but her features were a bit more delicate for someone crazy as a bat she sure was pretty.

"Bats aren't crazy." She informed him climbing into the chair and pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them. "I'm safe here, even when I'm not I am. If I left here I wouldn't be safe without it but Simon would be safe without me."

"Your brother's a fugitive too." He told her, "I imagine he won't be safe anywhere with or without you."

"He can change himself and make himself different. Sometimes I forget parts of me and I would be too risky that's why we stay on the ship I would forget parts of me." She answered the sadness in her voice overwhelming.

"I'm sorry about that, feel as though it might be my fault but never got a chance to talk to you about it."

"Would have been crazy anyway." She replied smiling lightly at him. "It's why you're afraid to talk to me you think you opened the crate early and that made me worse but you're wrong I'm very grateful the bad things happened in there more then they happened anywhere else."

"You were awake?" he asked. The doctor had told them she had been asleep for near two weeks in that little crate.

"Don't tell Simon." She informed him and with that she made her way off the bridge her head down and steps though graceful as always heavy with her thoughts. Malcolm turned back to the bridge and chose to give her the time she needed as he watched the shuttle disappear in the distance.


	2. Chapter 2

OUT OF GAS

Chapter 2: Some Things Must Stay The Same

He wasn't sure exactly how long ago she had come to the bridge but he knew for a fact that she had been shivering uncontrollably for the better part of three hours while his shakes started sooner. He had bundled her into all but one of the blankets he kept for himself and still the giant mound of them that covered her shook uncontrollably. He should have prepared for her to be worse of then him as strong as she might be she was clearly smaller than him and that fact alone made her succumbing to the cold much quicker than it was for him. He watched the bundle shake for only a moment longer before standing he slowly began removing the blankets from her body and placing them in a cocoon on his chair, he sat down when there were only three left on her and opened his arms. She understood his meaning and nearly fell onto his lap curling herself into as small of a ball as she could manage as he pulled the other blankets around her.

He couldn't help the small exhale as he freezing cold skin touched his own he hadn't realize she was that cold, he took his arms from the sides of his chair and pulled her closer to him ignoring the fleeing thought that she fit up against him quite well in favor of ducking his head down and pressing it to the top of hers. Her small hands came up around him pulling her as close as she could as her shivering began to slow.

"Captain" he heard a static filled voice over the video screen that was accompanied by a face that was fading in and out. "Serenity Captain come in." the voice said again. He felt River shift against him slowly waking. He was happy to notice her shaking while still there had subdued quite a bit. She woke enough to realize what was going on and before he could react she was out of the blankets and under the console the shivering becoming violent again quickly. He turned to help her but she shook her head and gestured to the panel.

"This is Serenity Captain Reynolds speaking." He watched River out of the corner of his eye as he explained the situation to the captain of the other boat, as they began working out the arrangements of the deal that would involve him seeing the required part and the other captain seeing him unarmed he felt a tugging on his pant leg he looked down to see River shaking her head no quite violently. She mouthed something at him but her shaking prevented him from being able to tell what exactly it was.

"Do we have an agreement?" the other captain asked interrupting him from being able to figure out what the girl was trying to tell him.

"We do." He agreed, "Anything else you need?"

"Anyone else on that boat?" He looked down at River again, he may not have been able to figure out much about the girl but he could read panic in her eyes.

"No just me."

* * *

He stood his hands holding his long brown coat back from his empty holster his eyes drifting to the small compartment where he had put River to wait out the exchange. He couldn't help but wonder why he had listened to her, he hadn't even listened to her really just relied on her obvious distress about the entire plan she had mumbled nonsense the entire time he had been preparing himself. The banging of a metal object against the window pulled him out of his thought process as he looked at the piece pressed up against it. Aside from being quite a bit cleaner it was exactly the piece Kaylee had shown him in the engine with a small nod he moved his hand to the instrument panel and pressed the button to open the hatch.

His eyes closed involuntarily as he let the heat and fresh oxygen wash over him suddenly feeling guilty that River was not out there with him to enjoy it. When he opened his eyes however his guilt changed into relief as he watched the five guns pointed at his face. He sighed and pulled back his coat revealing the empty holster again. "Thought this was supposed to be peaceful." He told the taller man who he recognized from the screen earlier his eyes watching both the man and the part.

"Just making sure you aren't being dishonest about this." The other captain informed him nodding at the men who returned and informed them the ship was empty.

"Come on now just look around pick whatever you want from the hold and we'll have our trade."

"I know what I want… I'm taking your ship." He was informed right before a loud bang and searing pain in his abdomen sent him sprawling across the cargo hold. Adrenaline allowed him to roll behind one of the larger cargo boxes next to where his gun was hidden. As he reached up to pick it up a cold shiver of fear ran down his back when it wasn't there.

"Blood is red." A soft voice informed him from behind a crate behind him. River was standing there with the gun in her hand the large jacket he had given her appearing to swallow her whole, before he could force her to give him the gun she fired five shots striking each man in an extremity including the leader with a shot to the kneecap, pain forcing him to drop the part on the floor. "Go home" River's voice was oddly calm, the most lucid he had seen her and also entirely terrifying. The men apparently agreed as they hobbled, stumbled, or scurried off the ship depending on where she had shot them some even leaving their weapons behind.

River made her way patiently toward the hatch and waited until the last man left the ship and closed the door. Once the door was completely closed she looked at him her eyes bright, "Sleep now." With that she fell back crumpling on the floor the gun landing beside her with an ominous clang.

"Great" he muttered pulling himself up with a pain-filled groan. He made his way toward her stooping to pick up the part on the way and sticking it in his gun belt. "Need your help River."

"Need help." She muttered her eyes fluttering a bit, "Cold."

"Yes it is… and your shivering again, fantastic you might just be more shaky than me." He groaned again as he stood up straight.

"Hurt" her hand came up to cover his, the cold of her palm sending a shiver down his spine.

"Yep, which is why I need your help you know how to work your brothers gadgets in the infirmary right?" he asked her eyes widened as she looked down at her shaky hands showing them to her. "Too shaky."

"Look darling you wouldn't be my first option but we got no other choice, were low on oxygen and I know you can't carry me to the infirmary and I'd rather be passed out there then out here with no medical help."

"Ok." She agreed, she stood and placed herself under his arm. Due to her shorter stature and violent shaking she didn't help much but he had to admit it was comfortable having her against him, it made him feel safe. He looked back at his gun sitting on the floor and then down to her tiny hand that was on his waist. He couldn't wrap his mind around what he had seen her do, it wasn't frightening necessarily just surprising. He knew if Kaylee or Simon had seen her do it they would both become frightened one of her and one for her but Jayne, Zoe, and himself all knew the horrors of combat and knew how important someone who could keep her head was.

"Thanks." He informed her as they hobbled toward the infirmary. Her only response was a slight tightening of her arm around his waist.

"Thanks to you back."


	3. Chapter 3

OUT OF GAS

Chapter 3: As Some Remain the Same

"Why did you thank me?" he asked as she bent over his stomach pressing gauze into him. The question had been on his mind for the last few minutes and he decided to ask in order to detract from her fingernails that were currently digging into his body in an attempt to slow the bleeding.

"Not scared." She informed him bluntly; she pulled her blood covered hands off the wound and grabbed the tape to hold the gauze.

"Of you?" he asked his eyebrows furrowing in confusion, how was she able to scare anyone she was, aside from the earlier battle, docile and oddly calm for being crazy.

"Simon's scared." She told him sitting back as he pulled his shirt back over his shoulders.

"He knew you could do that?"

"Not that but he knew something." She replied helping him up as the ship informed them that they had less than three percent of life saving capacity left. "They told him when they gave him to me, he tried to hide it from me but he can't hide things, he never could."

"We can fight about this one later." He stood and shifted testing the bandages; once he was satisfied they would hold he lifted a shaking arm around her smaller shaking body as they limped their way toward the engine room. The walk was slow in their awkward shaking three legged race her instability due to cold and his due to blood loss and pain.

Their entrance into the engine room was anticlimactic at best, with a quick stumble over the slightly raised doorway they were in, he pointed to the engine knowing she would understand his meaning. They made their way to the large engine and he began turning it until he found the hole Kaylee had showed him before they left. He held out his hand for the part which she handed to him her intelligent eyes completely focused on the engine mapping out where the part needed to go. Her unstable hands reached up to steady the large piece of machinery knowing he would need to force the piece in and would require assistance. He lifted the piece but misjudged the strength in his weak body and mistakenly dropped it.

"Damnit!" he cursed, he could just barely see it sticking out just by a hole in the floor that he knew had been there for years it led down to a small air ventilation shaft that he couldn't get to. He looked at River who studied him with calmness belayed by her shaking body and blue lips, dropping to his knees with a grunt he reached a hand down under the engine, he bumped the part and felt tears that would never fall behind his eyes as he watched it fall into the vent.

"Be back, watch for me." With that she was off faster than any half frozen girl had a right to be, he remained under the engine as he heard her lift the grate that led to the vent. He heard her normally almost silent movements a bit louder as she moved closer to him, he was greeted with a half-smile as her face poked through the hole in the floor, and she lifted the part up and handed it to him before her eyes promptly rolled back into her head as she fell unconscious.

"River!" he shouted trying to reach for her but found he couldn't, adrenaline gave him new strength as he stood and placed the part into the engine allowing only a small sigh of relief as it began running. He moved as fast as he could to the air vent and stared at the small hole in dismay, Kaylee would be lucky to fit inside it let alone his broad shoulders and more muscular body. That was his last thought as he joined the young girl in the welcome pain free darkness.

* * *

As he awoke he felt first the amazing sensation of warm air wafting over him, he opened his eyes to see a blurred figure standing over him a quick survey of the paint colors told him he was lying in the ships infirmary. The lights immediately dimmed and he let out a groan of relief and began blinking his eyes several times a few tears leaking out of the unused irises. He felt a soft cloth wiping the salty moisture off his face. His eyes adjusted and he was shocked to see River was the one standing over him; he looked around quickly but found nobody else. "Meeting them in two days, they made it to a planet, went off together shared gas, one shuttle pulled the other." She answered his unasked question, "Pulled bullet out, and fixed you."

"Hold on there, _you_ fixed me." He sat up ignoring his pain and grabbing her hand as she turned away; she met his accusing gaze head on and pointed to a desk where several medical books of her brothers were laid out over the area.

"Learned" she told him gently pushing his bare shoulder back onto the bed, he watched her turn and then lifted his hand to the spot on his bare skin she had just touched, it felt strange, a mix of tingling and an odd increase in his body temperature.

"Am I ok?" he asked ignoring her request for him to lie back and standing, a bit shaky but manageable.

"Fine, red is gone fixed you." She repeated again taking a seat on a metal stool her eyes obviously disapproving of his movement but not stopping him again.

"Two days huh?" he asked pulling on a new shirt that he noticed sitting by the bed. "We have to set course then right."

"Did" she answered from her perch swinging side to side slowly her eyes fixed on him.

"You fixed a course?" he asked her incredulously.

"Wash shows me."

"Wash taught you how to fly?" he glared at the wall. "My pilot won't even teach me to fly but the damn crazy girl can program a course and everything." He shook his head and jumped as she stood her anger slamming the stool into the wall behind her.

"Crazy girl fixed you." She informed him as she stormed out of the room, his mouth dropped open as he watched her depart her anger not taking away from her grace and fluidity of movement. That had been the first thing he noticed about her no matter how crazy she seemed her grace was something almost magical. He leaned back against the bed looking down at his hands, her odd lucidity over their time together had been different normally it seemed as though she couldn't even understand them he was used to talking about her like she wasn't there, he knew it would take something along the lines of an apology to convince her not to hate him. Before he made his way upstairs he took a moment to think about the events of the past seventeen hours.

When she chose to stay with him and explained in her own strange way why he had taken it at face value, she felt the same connection to Serenity that he did which wasn't abnormal among people who spent their entire time in space but he didn't realize how helpful she would actually be to everything he was trying to accomplish. He knew he was about to have a head to head with the doctor her talent with a gun and her ability to sense people would make her invaluable maybe one of his deals could go in a straight line instead of a square for once. With that thought in mind he sat up again and finished buttoning his shirt, he paused after a moment realizing it was his favorite shirt, the one his mother had given him before he left for the war the one he kept under his bed that not even Zoe knew about.

He smiled slightly and buttoned the last two buttons before he headed out of the infirmary trying his best to remain standing, his first stop was her bunk, he ducked his head down but found no sign of the small girl. His eyes then drifted to the bridge where he heard music coming from the speakers normally used to transmit messages. He stopped at the door and found the girl he had been looking for curled up in the pilot's chair her eyes closed and fingers tapping along to the classical piano that poured out. The rich music clearly calmed her he noted as he dark eyes met his, the fiery anger from before was gone as she silently took him in. "Can I sit?" he asked feeling a bit stupid for asking her permission to sit on his own ship but it appeared he made the right call as she nodded at the chair across from her. "I hurt you."

She responded to his statement by simply watching him no nod or shake of the head, no movement at all to confirm or deny. "I know I did you don't have to tell me, the thing is that you've always told me the truth, can't remember a time you ever lied to me granted we aint talked much to allow you the chance but I figure when you were all curled up in my arms and we thought we were going to die you would have said something if you needed to."

"Never lied to you." Her voice was almost a whisper but he still heard it.

"That's what I thought; now I'm going to be honest with you. You've been a little out of it since we found you and we've come to think of you as more of a thing then a person and I'm realizing that now, how much we must have hurt you with the name calling… I'm sorry." He looked at her as she met his gaze there were no tears as he would expect from Inara or Kaylee. The strong but barely controlled anger he would have seen had she been Zoe, Jayne, or the doc, no instead there in her eyes he saw that she did understand.

She stood up and walked toward him kneeling in front of him her eyes not leaving his until they dropped down to his shirt. "Ripped a stitch." She began unbuttoning the shirt slowly her breath getting heavy enough for him to notice clearly. He reached down taking her still shaking hands into his own larger ones.

"It's fine." He muttered pulling her up, his eyes focused on hers as he realized something that Simon had not been able to. By treating her different then a normal person they were treating her like she was broken and therefore she was. Using that logic if he treated her how she clearly wanted to be treated, like a person, no soft tones no calm voices designed to stop her from 'freaking out' then she would find it easier to _be_ normal. This realization pulled everything into perspective in one quick shot of clarity he had never experienced before, he pulled her toward him and felt her collapse against him shaking but this time from the knowledge that he understood, that he got why she was the way she was.


	4. Chapter 4

OUT OF GAS

Chapter 4: Waiting for Family

After the emotion had left the moment and they had returned to the control panel he asked a question that had been bothering him. "We determined there wasn't enough fuel to take either shuttle to any planet, we were too far out into the black."

"They strung them together, one ship pulled halfway the other pulled the other half, they got picked up back in normal channels." She told him her voice devoid of emotion as she studied the star system outside the window. He couldn't tell what she was doing but she seemed to have shut down almost entirely since her breakdown in his arms earlier.

"Smart, why didn't they just try to hail from further out?"

"Zoe got worse, she needed more medical supplies then we had on the shuttle. There wasn't enough room for everything that he needed but I didn't expect her to get an infection." The voice that answered him wasn't River it came over the video screen, he jumped out of his seat and for the first time in his life thrilled to see Simon Tam staring back at him.

"Is she going to be ok?" he asked his eyes narrowing at the white sheets piled around a human form behind Simon were he stood in what he recognized as the spare shuttle.

"She'll be fine I was able to get some antibiotics that burned away the infection she's just sleeping off the fever now."

"What about everyone else?" Mal couldn't see a single other person other than Zoe and the doctor.

"They think I'm calling you when they get back, instead I want you to know that when you both get back here I'm taking my sister and leaving." Simon informed him his eyes almost black as he shook with repressed rage, "You took her from me."

"No taking" River popped over his shoulder her entire body pressed against his back so she could see her brother. "No taking no leaving."

"River you're being unreasonable we need to find somewhere else to stay you know they don't want us there." Simon returned his eyes softening only slightly as he spoke to his little sister.

"I don't reckon that's the truth there doc, in fact I've gotten rather attached to the little one here while you've been off saving my first mate's life. If you don't want passage anymore that's understandable but she's welcome if she wants to stay." Malcolm interrupted; he shivered as River's hand, out of view of the video screen, ran lightly over the side of his neck in thanks. With her pressed into his back her breath on his neck and her soft hair falling over his shoulders he knew she was not the young girl her brother wanted to believe she was.

"Stay." River said over his shoulder to her brother.

"We'll talk about this later." Simon informed her, his tone showed his frustration more obviously then he ever had toward his sister. She was used to hearing soft tones and calm words from his mouth the shock of his anger caused her to stiffen against his back.

"Yes" Mal agreed, "We will, now get everybody else on the screen I'd like to see how they did." As Simon disappeared from the viewfinder he felt River rest her head against his shoulder apparently not caring about his physical proximity, he felt her shaking and reached around finding her hand and pulling it into his lacing their fingers together out of view of the screen.

"Captain!" Kylee's scream of excitement began a whirlwind of questions about their time apart, River was silently observing everybody her eyes mostly focused on her brother who was sulking off in a corner only flicking to Mal for a moment after he told them nothing about her actions toward the men who had intended to kill them and take Serenity. After almost an hour of talking including Mal commending them on their decision to tie the ships together and thanking them for following his instructions they hung up the silence deafening after the noises of friends and family that were normally so present in the ship had finally left.

Mal sat back in his chair after River returned to her own curling up, the squeak of protest from the aged metal seemed twice as loud as they studied each other. "You really want to stay?" he asked after a moment, she shifted slightly in her chair bringing her legs up to rest her chin on her knees.

"Yes." She answered honestly. "Serenity is my home."

"As long as you want it to be, no matter what you're right Serenity is your home, with or without the doctor you are welcome here." Mal informed her the passion in his voice overwhelming, "I aint never turned down somebody in need of somewhere to stay, running from something or not and you won't be the first."

"I'll earn my keep." She told him firmly, "Jayne says that everyone earns their keep, it means to earn their right to stay because people used to live in little huts, and they earned their keep or their house. Simon is a doctor that's how he gets his keep, I'll help… I'll fight."

"We can discuss that at a later date." He was secretly impressed that she had made that decision on her own, the decision to take what she had learned about humanity, the things that she had probably known before but the new and unwelcome information the alliance had shoved into her head forced out. That she took that and determined that she would take the useful skill she had and use it to earn her stay on the ship if her brother chose to leave impressed him more than anything she had done thus far. "Why didn't you kill them?" he didn't specify who they were he knew she knew exactly who he was talking about.

"All life is sacred, if they had made me red I would have made them red but they didn't, once they knew they would lose they left." She answered her voice calm and rational as always, he found it interesting that he was beginning to understand what her rants meant which of course led him to believe that either she was getting better or he was getting worse. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he realized she had moved to stand right in front of him, "You should rest." She helped him out of his chair her assistance the only thing that made him realize how weak he really was feeling. "You need more blood."

"Do we have any?" he asked as they shuffled along. He watched the arm not around his waist come up blocking a fresh puncture mark on the inside of her arm.

"We do." She returned calmly. He stopped moving ignoring her look of surprise at his sudden stop.

"You're afraid of needles" he told her under any other circumstances his face would be comical and she did release a quiet chuckle at the surprise running across it.

"Yes." she answered, "You needed blood you were going to be red then black, and red then black can't come back to red."

"What am I now?" he asked, he had determined that red meant injured, from what she just said he assumed black was dead but he wanted to know what living meant.

"You're a rainbow," she told him. "All colors, other colors only when bad things happen."

"Did you tell your brother about that?" he asked as they resumed their walk his eyes focused on her hidden arm.

"I did."

"Did he understand you?" he asked changing his phrasing of the question he was being asked. River said a lot, what was understood was sometimes few and far between.

"Don't know." She replied as they reached the door to the infirmary, she sat him down on the table her warm hand guiding him to a lying down position with his head elevated. She shuffled around the room grabbing the things necessary to transfuse blood. She tied the tourniquet around his upper arm and slowly guided the needle into his arm slowly so he barely felt the pinch. She lifted her own arm already tied off and prepared to stick the needle into her own as well. Before she could he took her wrist into his hand, her deep brown eyes locked on his as he pulled her arm toward him her body following along offering no resistance. He reached the crease of her elbow and pressed a small kiss to the red wound where she had transfused her blood earlier that day.

"Thank you" he told her rubbing his finger over the spot surprised at the tingling in his lips. "Not many people face their fears for themselves let alone for somebody else. I owe you my life." She smiled slightly and pulled back plunging the needle into her arm as the blood began running from her body into his. She hopped up onto the table beside him and pulled a blanket over her legs clapping twice to turn off the lights.

"You say thank you a lot." She informed him her voice heavy with sleep.

"Lately I have a lot to be thankful for." He told her. "My ship's ok, you're ok, the people who left are ok, I didn't have to go through this alone and somebody is doing something she didn't have to do to save my life got nothing to be depressed about as far as I can see."

"No" she replied after a moment, "I suppose there's not."


	5. Chapter 5

OUT OF GAS

Chapter 5: Home is Home

"Harder," he grunted absorbing the impact of her small body and its impressive strength, she was pressed against him as he held her from behind his strong arms sweating, bare chest heaving against her. "You're holding back" he informed her, his hot breath in her ear she grunted as her foot made contact with his shin dragging down along the bone, he released her with a groan of pain as she spun gracefully landing slightly crouched her dark eyes watching him closely. He held up a hand in surrender clutching his chest tightly immediately she dropped her fighting stance and moved toward him dropping to her knees beside him. She threw his outstretched arm over her shoulder and reached her hand down to the gauze where some blood had seeped through.

"Made you red!" she exclaimed obviously angry with herself as she pushed him back so he leaned against the stairs in Jayne's workout area.

"It's fine." He pushed her hands away from his bare chest, "Just a little leak, I'll be glad when Jayne gets back and he can get beat up by you little half pint." He winked and nudged his shoulder with hers. When they had woken that morning after sleeping on the bridge her beside the captain's chair him beside the co-captains he had decided to test her abilities. After shooting with her long enough to make him ashamed of how much better she was he had moved to hand to hand combat. "You going to tell me what they did to make you like this?" She immediately stiffened by his side but instead of pulling away from him like he imagined she would she instead leaned her head against his shoulder her eyes wide and unblinking.

"Don't want to." She told him in a sigh, as he opened his mouth to protest the ships alarm began blaring signifying their descent into Persephone. She stood and began making her way to the bridge the pants of Zoe's he had given her until he had time to get her a set of her own planet side drowning her but making a good grip for him when he took hold of the material by the back of her knee.

"We aint done talking about this." He told her his eyes telling her of his seriousness. She nodded and moved toward the bridge handing him his shirt that he had hung over the railing. He pulled it on wincing at the lingering pain in his chest as he prepared to greet his crew who had already booked them a dock, he felt the ship slow it's decent as River expertly landed it with minimal bumping of the already stressed boat. He moved over to the hatch and opened the door taking a moment to realize that he had never been that in-synch with a pilot before; even Wash had to tell him when he had landed to Mal could open the doors but with River he just knew it was time. Before the door was open completely he had an armful of Kaylee who ignored his groan of pain and hugged him with all the strength of her little body.

"Doc's here he can patch you up so I can hug ya as tight as I might want to." She told him once she released him smiling when he bent over grabbing his chest with a grimace.

"No guarantee doc's going to fix me up if'n the way he's lookin at me is any indication." Mal told her rising to his full height to meet Simon's eyes. The younger man looked at him appraisingly the anger simmering just below the surface.

"Simon." River spoke from the balcony of the ship, her brother's eyes quickly turned to her the anger softening into a smile of the deepest love he had seen in his life. She practically flew down the steps to wrap herself tightly around him and he pulled her close as well whispering something in her ear. Only Mal saw her stiffen and that was a moment too late as Simon plunged a needle into her side depressing a drug into her bloodstream. She pulled back from him but whatever he gave her had a quick effect as she stumbled and fell into his arms, he immediately lifted her over his shoulder holding an arm out to stop the progress of a stunned Mal who had moved to catch the falling girl.

"What in the hell's a matter with you?" he growled his hand itching toward his holstered pistol.

"You're a bad influence on her, she nearly committed suicide to stay with this damn ship and I won't let you harm her anymore!" he shouted wrapping a protective arm around her legs. He froze however as he felt the cool metal of a gun by his ear.

"Seems if the girl needed to be drugged in order to come she don't rightly want to go and I cant let her off this ship when she's wearing my pants now can i?" Zoe told the doctor, Mal made his way forward his eyes focused only on the girl slung over her brother's shoulder, he reached out and gently pulled her into his arms holding her bridal style resting her head under his chin.

"She aint likely to forgive you for this one." He informed the doctor before turning to Zoe with her in his arms. "Lock him in the infirmary, where's the rest of my crew with the things I asked for?"

"Docking the ships, Jayne's helping Wash to unload the things you wanted." Kaylee told him her eyes conflicted as she looked between her captain and the man she thought she might be able to love one day.

"Once their docked get us in the air, I want to taste black before night." He told Zoe who nodded and rapped Simon on the head to get him moving toward the infirmary. Kaylee headed off to the engine room presumably to check on the new part and Mal stared down at the bundle in his arms. How was he supposed to get her to trust him when she couldn't even trust her brother, he sighed and headed off toward his own room to put her down and allow her to sleep off whatever he had given her.

Mal stared into the infirmary by the glass wall, the one equipped with the intercom he never used but he imagined the good doctor had a half decent shot at getting past him in his weakened condition. "Got a couple questions for ya doc." He informed the other man through the intercom. Simon stopped pacing and glared at him his lip curling up in distaste.

"Where is she?" he demanded his face quickly turning red with anger.

"Safe, which is more than I can say for how she would have been with you and your drugs." He replied enjoying watching the educated man sputter at him.

"I have always kept her safe. You and this damn ship are the reason she's gone off this way, I just want her safe." He shouted banging his fist against the glass.

"Answer my questions and I might let you out of here before she dies of old age." He replied sitting down on the metal catwalk beside the intercom. Simon ran a hand through his hair but nodded in agreement. "Tell me about the container she was in."

"It's a medical container its used for transporting coma patients, it keeps them supplied with a drug that stops all bodily functions and you can add whatever drugs the patient is on its monitored through a wristwatch that I had when she was in there." He answered his answer sounding almost clinical.

"So you had her on those anti bodily function drugs and what else?" he asked the doctor who looked up at him with his eyebrows furrowed.

"Why do you want to know?" Simon stared at the captain who maintained his stony silence until Simon began explaining. "Muscle relaxers to stop her from cramping up, drugs to chemically induce a coma, and others to keep her nutrients up."

"Did you know what she could do when you broke her out?" he asked the change of topic throwing the doctor for a loop.

"What can she do?" he asked stepping toward the glass his eagerness to learn showing through, in an instant something clicked for Mal who glared at him disgusted.

"You better tell me right now that that girl aint just some science project to you, tell me now that she matters more then what's wrong with her, that you're more interested in who she is then what they did to her!" he exclaimed jumping up ignoring the pull in his chest.

"No!" Simon stepped closer to the glass, "No! If I know what they messed with I can figure out what part of her brain was made wrong and I can fix her!" Mal's voice was deathly quiet as he moved closer to the glass his nose almost pressed against it.

"Aint a damn thing wrong with her." He informed the doctor who took a step back from the glass as if wounded as he turned on his heel and marched away from the infirmary.

"Here." Jayne thrust a large box into his hands startling him as he wasn't expecting it, Mal looked at him questioningly and the larger man shrugged. "Figured after that conversation you were on your way to wherever you stashed the girl, them's the clothes Kaylee picked out for her so you can go right ahead and deliver them while you're there." Mal nodded at Jayne who nodded back and stepped aside allowing Mal access to the rest of the ship. As he walked away he heard Jayne come over the intercom and begin taunting the doctor who was silent in return.

It took him only a moment of walking through the ship to reach his bunk where he had put River knowing that even if they thought to search there nobody else knew the passcode. He entered and placed the box on his bedside table turning and nearly jumping out of his skin to see River alert and staring at him. "Yelled at Simon." She spoke it not as a question but as though she was stating the obvious.

"He attacked my crewmate." He told her quickly getting over his shock at her quick recovery, "That can't go unpunished."

"Crewmate?" she asked, Mal who sat next to her on the bunk to remove his boots. He took a second look and realized that she was still under the effects of the medication if her glazed eyes and nearly expressionless face were any signs to go on.

"I told you you're here as long as you want to be darlin'." He told her amused by her bright girlish smile the drugs obviously suppressing the more painful parts of her memories.

"Wasn't sure you would stand up to Simon for me." She replied bringing a hand to his cheek as he lifted his legs and propped himself up on his arm.

"I promised you I would." He took her hand in his and smiled, "Now can you move to the top bunk by yourself or do I have to help you cuz I don't think I can get up there right now." He told her nodding to the second bunk. He couldn't put his finger on why but he needed her near for the night, close to allow him the peace he had over the last two days. He froze as she instead pulled his arm away from his head forcing him to fall onto the pillow, she used his bicep as a pillow and with her other hand she pulled a blanket over them resting her hand on his gauze covered wound. He raised his eyebrows at her as she simply closed her eyes allowing the drugs her brother had given her to send her off into dreams that for the first time in a long time would have little death. "Alrighty then." He said more to himself than anyone else, he reached up with his unoccupied arm and flipped the switch to turn off the lights and snuggled down into the bed pulling River closer. Before he could think about his actions he pressed a gentle kiss to her lips as she slept before he himself drifted off as well.


	6. Chapter 6

OUT OF GAS

Chapter 6: A Day Of Chats

"You got to go in there sometime." A half asleep Mal stood down beside River where she had posted herself overlooking the infirmary where her brother was conducting a quick check-up of Zoe to ensure the work of the doctors two weeks ago was holding up. Despite having not left his makeshift prison Simon had been surprisingly agreeable when asked to look over both Zoe and Mal to ensure the proper healing of their injuries though a bit cold toward the latter. River had taken to sitting and watching Simon puttering around at least an hour a day, Mal wasn't sure what went through her head and he believed she didn't know exactly what she was thinking either but that she was trying to figure it out herself.

"Hurt me." She said, the only words she had spoken to him on the subject. Despite having taken to sleeping in the same bed and doing morning workouts together River and Mal had yet to discuss her feelings on what her brother had done. "Promised he never would then did."

"Well," Mal allowed himself to slide down the wall beside the smaller girl watching her watch her brother. "I think he was just tryin to do right by you. Even though the way he went about it was dumb as a spring chicken he just wanted to take you away from a situation that he thought was hurting you."

"Wasn't." She replied nodding at Zoe who passed them by on her way to inform Wash of the results of her checkup. She continued to watch her brother clean up his methodical movements, despite her anger, still just as soothing as ever.

"I know that and you know that, but maybe he don't know that." Mal told her finally turning his eyes to the doctor who it seemed had finally noticed them and was staring at River with sorrow in his eyes. "If it were my sister I can't say I would have done much different." That it appeared was the straw that broke the camel's back as River stood silently and walked off without a word. Mal sighed bringing his head into his hands feeling the headache forming behind his eyes. He looked back into the room where Simon had gone back to packing up the medical supplies, he continued to absently rub his temples as he watched the doctor put the finishing touches on the once again spotless infirmary. Before he could come up with reasons to stop himself he stood and made his way into the room that remained sealed from the outside.

"What?" Simon snapped glaring at the captain who simply stood and watched him with one eyebrow raised. "I'm sorry." He said after a moment turning away from Mal and working on turning the lone medical bed into the one he would sleep in.

"I reckon I'm not the one you should be saying that to." Mal replied after a moment of watching the doctor put everything together.

"If she would talk to me I would believe me." Simon answered back clearly frustrated with the situation he had put himself in not only with the entire crew but with his sister who everyone knew did not trust easily.

"I don't think you are sorry though." Mal told him hopping up onto the counter ignoring Simon's glare of disapproval. "I think you would do the same thing again except maybe plan your escape better. You don't understand yet that your little sister is something more than just a science experiment you can use to further your medical research. She's a person and she wants to be here and as long as she does she's more than welcome."

"Oh you've made that more than clear, and she is not a science project I know that more than you or anyone on this ship. Jayne calling her retarded or stupid, Inara and Zoe treating her like a child, I just want to make her better!" he shouted barely holding his emotions in check.

"There's something you forgot there doc." Mal spoke quietly but with what Zoe called his 'boss man' tone. The tone that said listen, pay attention, and remember what I'm about to say because I will only say it once. "Those people at that academy or whatever the hell you want to call it. They only wanted to make her better too. They wanted her better at killing, better at hurting people. You want her better for you so you can have the sister you love back. Did you ever consider what she wants in all this, maybe she likes who she is maybe she doesn't want to change, but you better consider that before you go sticking her with anymore needles." With that Mal swept out of the room his coat billowing out behind him leaving Simon slumped against his makeshift bed as he realized the implication of the captain's words.

Mal made his way toward his bunk still fuming, he wasn't upset with what he said to the young doctor or how he said it, but he had lost his cool and shouted it at him instead of calmly discussing it. More than anything he wanted to mend the relationship between the siblings. He could see River was hurting, all her life after the academy it had been Simon who was her friend, confidant, and only connection to the reality that she desperately wanted back and Mal wanted that for her.

"Yelled at Simon." River informed him as he entered his bunk to find her awake and alert staring at him from atop his bed. "Yelled at Simon loud."

"I'm sorry I know the things I said should have come from you when you were ready but trust me he needed to hear every word of it or he was never going to understand what he did wrong." In a move that surprised both of them River launched herself off the bed and wrapped her arms and legs tightly around him forcing him to hold her small body to his. He could feel her silent tears against his neck and it raised a protective instinct in him that he hadn't felt in years.

"Thank you." She whispered against him, he sighed and made his way to the bed sitting and pushing her back slightly to sit on his legs so he could look her in the eye.

"Your brother did something wrong to you and you are important to me. For that reason and that reason only you will never owe me thanks or any type of gratitude for standing up for you, same as Zoe, Wash, and Kaylee." He told her searching her tear filled eyes for understanding of his most important rule. He reached up a hand to gently brush the still falling tears from her face as she nodded. "Good, now I don't want to tell you again."

"Won't have to promise." She told him, she pulled her full lower lip between her teeth knowing at it as though she was wrestling with a decision unaware that Mal's attention was on nothing but that lip. "I want to stay." She said finally nodding after she spoke as though her head was agreeing with what came from her mouth. "I don't want to leave but don't want Simon to leave either."

"Well." Mal forced his concentration from her now slightly swollen lip and looked her in the eyes again. "I think the best way for you to work that out is just to talk to him." River nodded again before leaning forward and resting her forehead against his shoulder. Mal took the opportunity to pull her closer planning on memorizing the feeling of her awake and pressed against him. He knew that the Shepard would condemn him to hell for the thoughts he had been entertaining about his young friend but as long as he acted on none of them he figured his eternal soul was safe enough. This however could not stop him from pulling her close while she slept in his bed and wrapping his arms around her, envisioning that they had fallen asleep after a night of passionate love making instead of her sleeping in his bed due to her fear that her brother would harm her again. He sighed into her hair taking in her scent as he held her and then it hit him, like a freight train, or a meteor striking one of the many planets. He was in love with the girl in his arms and had no idea what he was going to do about it.


	7. Chapter 7

OUT OF GAS

Chapter 7: Talking It Out

"Well what do you plan to do about it?" Zoe asked Mal as they made their way on foot to the drop off point for two crates that Jayne was pulling on a hovercraft behind them just out of earshot.

"Nothing!" Mal exclaimed, she's ten years younger than me for one and for two she's…" he trailed off his mouth moving with no words coming out. Every reason he could have used before they spent their days together on Serenity were gone. She wasn't crazy, she wasn't insane… she was just River.

"I don't see a problem with it honestly Mal." Zoe pulled him out of his trance with her hand on his shoulder giving it a light squeeze. He knew that most people were curious about his relationship with Zoe prior to her marriage but he had always seen her as nothing more than a best friend. He knew she was a beautiful woman but when he tried to see himself in a relationship with her now he saw a different woman instead.

"That's not what the Shepard would say." Mal argued upset that she hadn't found issue with his feelings.

"The Shepard would say that if you love her not only do you deserve to express that love but she deserves to know it especially when you consider what's been happening to her lately." Zoe answered trying to explain her point of view. It was common knowledge that since the ship was abandoned and recovered Mal and River had grown uncommonly close and that River still had yet to speak to her brother who remained locked in the medical ward awaiting her decision on the matter.

"I don't know if she would even know what love is really." He confessed as they stepped closer to the drop off.

"I don't think that's your issue Mal, I think your problem is that you don't know if she feels the same and it's scaring the shit out of you." Zoe told him leaving no room for argument. Any reply Mal could have formulated was stopped as a gunshot echoed through the forest. For a moment there was silence as all three made sure they hadn't been hit before instinct took over and they dove for cover. Mal closed his eyes tight as he did before every battle praying this wouldn't be his last.

* * *

River was waiting as they brought Mal in having abandoned their cargo in favor of loading their injured captain onto the hovercraft and getting him to medical attention faster. Zoe watched as River perfectly calm met them at the door to the ship and with a hand on his shoulder joined them to the infirmary. When they reached the door Zoe caught the first reaction out of the young girl as her face paled and she stalled upon seeing her brother set up for surgery. The flash of sorrow in his eyes was only momentary as he turned his attention to the fallen captain and began attempting to save his life.

Zoe left the room ordering Wash and Kaylee to prepare the ship for takeoff her eyes never leaving River as they scurried to do her bidding. She stepped closer to the girl placing a gentle hand on her shoulder withholding a gasp at the trembling in her muscles. "He needs you." Was the only thing she said before she headed off to the bridge to take over the captain's duties as he lay in the infirmary.

River continued to watch the surgery her mind cycling through the books she had read when she was in the same situation before making sure that her brother was doing everything right according to her mental checklist. She had no knowledge of the passage of time, she really only knew it was night when Mal came to bring her to bed she imagined she was waiting poised in front of the door for a long time as her muscles were beginning to feel fatigue which was not a common occurrence after she left the academy.

Finally Simon slept, it was late she knew that much but her brother's sleep was restless as though he knew she was still watching and judging him. She entered the infirmary silently her boots left outside the door to make her footsteps quieter. She opened one of the drawers slowly pulling out one of her brother's pre-prepared sleep cocktails just in case Jayne acted up again. She was not moving with any particular quickness she knew that slow was the way to go when one was sneaking around. Time was no concern anyway, she knew the cocktail would have him out for at least six hours unless he was woken manually which she did not plan to do. She flipped his wrist gently and injected the syringe into his arm, his eyelids fluttered at the pinprick but he did not wake. She stood over him empty syringe clutched in her hand until his breathing evened and slowed pushing him deeper into sleep proof that the drug was working.

She threw the syringe away and moved toward Mal's bed, even without the aid of the medication she had just administered to her brother Mal was sleeping just as soundly. Only it wasn't sleep, she knew because Mal told her he couldn't sleep without, and Mal never lied so Mal couldn't be asleep which meant something else was wrong. Simon had said something about blood loss and coma but she could still _feel_ him she never read his mind he was very closed and she wasn't sure he even realized it but she knew enough to know that when she probed a mind like his it was too hard to get in and the subject often knew what was going on, more than anything Mal's trust was important to her. "Sorry" she told him resting her hands gently on either side of his head his soft hair tickling the sensitive pads of her fingers.

She closed her eyes the physical connection making it easier to enter his mind, she could fell the wall, his natural defenses, closing in around her. As her eyes slid closed she saw it's physical manifestation, it was Mal but only as she had seen in her nightmares. He was barely recognizable his piercings and sharpened teeth those of a Reever, she withheld her gasp of shock and watched as the creature advanced on her. "I just want to bring you back." She told the Reever who continued to advance toward her. She could feel the fear taking over as she realized that in this blank world of Mal's there was nobody to protect her. The beast continued to advance and she found that as she tried to step back she was against something hard, she tried to see what it was but all her eyes could see was the expanse of inky blackness. "Please Mal." She whispered as she felt the hot breath of the Reever against her face.

All of a sudden she was falling backward through the air; she shut her eyes tightly trying not to see what was happening. She was elated not to feel the Reever's presence anymore but the sensation of falling caused her terror to increase. When she finally hit something it was a body of water, the impact forced all the breath from her lungs and she frantically clawed her way to the surface taking long gulps of air once she reached it. She continued treading water as she looked around. She was in a lush green park and it seemed that the only thing disturbing the serene lake was her body's presence. She slowly swam to the edge of the lake and wrung out her long dark hair. She had entered his mind that much was clear, there were little touches of Mal everywhere from the horses grazing in the distance to the small pile of wood carvings at the edge of the lake.

"Who are you?" a small boy made his presence known brandishing a long wooden sword that was held together with twine. She forced her body to calm fighting her natural instincts to neutralize the threat.

"River" she answered solemnly treating the boy as she would anybody else.

"Well aintcha gonna ask who I am?" he questioned after a moment. River simply shrugged and sat cross-legged on the ground to give herself time to dry out. "Watcha doin?" he asked sitting across from her laying his blade across his legs. He was seven or eight with a mop of dark brown hair and eager hazel eyes full of laughter and youth.

"Trying to find my friend." She told him honestly. She found dream walking exhilarating, it remove all the excess thoughts in her head, she was almost normal when she was visiting a dream.

"Well what's he look like?" the boy inquired. "I know everyone here cept you but since we just met I guess I know you too. I betcha I know who your lookin for."

"His name is Mal." River told him as she searched out with her mind for all these other people, she couldn't sense anyone but in a dream world that meant nothing.

"Same as me!" the boy exclaimed with a gap toothed smile. "Hey I bet yer looking for me!"

She took in his small stature unable to imagine the strong capable man she knew as this child. She reached out as he waited paitently for her reaction to not finding anyone else there. When she opened her eyes she saw the essence of the child infront of her, though there were differences, an innocence that Mal had lost and a childlike wonder that had been replaced by memories of war and hate this was the man she was looking for. "What happened to you?"


	8. Chapter 8

She had been walking with the child she still couldn't completely believe was Mal for almost an hour now and he was keeping a running commentary on what they were seeing, his sword tucked carefully into his belt. From short descriptions she had received from the captain during their talks she had come to believe he had retreated not only into the childlike form before her but also to his childhood home. It was not the affluence that she and Simon had but was still rich in its own way. Her time in captivity had shown her a new appreciation for the beauty of nature, fresh air, and the freedom of standing in the middle of such a beautiful area. It had surprised her at first when Mal's hand had intertwined with hers but she had quickly grown used to it knowing the physical connection between them could only solidify the mental one she had created back on Serenity.

"Why are you being quiet?" the boy asked after a few moments making her realize just how long she had been thinking and enjoying the clarity of her mind.

"I was just listening. But maybe I could ask you some questions instead?" she asked, he studied her and she couldn't help the fear that she would not pass his test. She knew that she had to gain the trust of the boy; he knew exactly why he was there instead of the full grown captain and was simply choosing the childhood innocence instead of facing whatever issue was troubling him.

"What kind of questions?" he finally asked sitting cross-legged in the grass a few yards from his house which he had taken her on a tour of earlier. She sat across from him ignoring the discomfort of her still rather damp clothing and removed her boots prepared for the long haul.

"About you. I want to know about you." She told him, she watched his shoulders stiffen in an entirely adult move he didn't even seem to notice and with a long sigh he nodded.

"I guess it was too good to last." The voice that came now was still that of a child but held the wisdom of a man and River released a sigh of relief. He had chosen to trust her and allow her to help bring him back. She sent up a silent prayer to whatever god of whatever religion may be listening as she eyed the boy whose excitement was gone and had become entirely serious.

"You know that this isn't real?" her first question was simply to establish how much he actually knew about what was going on and how much she would have to explain. He rolled his eyes and clapped his hands once. All of a sudden they were no longer at his House but were sitting in a tree in a familiar jungle. "What?" she asked the boy who it appeared had grown a few years in the transition. He lifted a finger to his lips and pointed at a group of people making their way through the woods.

"And it's scaring the shit out of you." River was surprised to hear Zoe speak and she took in the small group before them. _It's the attack_ she realized just as the crack of gunfire sounded bringing River instantly on the defensive though she knew it was only a memory. "Mal!" she heard Zoe cry and watched as the captains eyes rolled back into his head and with a crack they were back in the boys backyard.

"That's all I remember" he told her brushing his now longer hair out of his eyes. As she watched him age a bit more in front of her eyes she sighed remembering the process she needed to complete. Every issue stopping him from waking up that he conquered would age him a small bit but it was clear by the fact that he was still ten at the most that something big was going on below the surface something that was deeply troubling to him.

"What did Zoe mean?" she asked. "What was scaring you in the woods?" he regarded her closely before shaking his head slightly.

"Not yet." He told her. "You're not ready for that." He stood up stretched and headed off through the woods River following reluctantly.

"What do you mean _I'm_ not ready?" she asked clearly affronted by the accusation. She was more than ready the reason they were even in his mind was because _he_ wasn't ready. She watched him pull his wooden sword and begin hacking at bushes that had begun crowding their path. She was about to ask where they were going but the sight of him growing another inch as he walked stopped her. Clearly wherever they were heading was an issue he had. The jungle path crowded over more but Mal continued to fight through despite the branches pulling at his clothes as though is very mind was trying to pull him back, to stop him from taking this path.

She couldn't help the fear that choked her as she watched him push through his fears. Mal was a dark man, she knew that from the moment she met him, despite his calm and kindness he was capable of great violence. That fact had never scared her before now; she was the same in her own way though Mal was more controlled. Something told her that what she was about to see was something her Mal could not tell her, or would not tell her about his past. About how he had accomplished that control, something he had done or seen that had changed him fundamentally. She could see auras like the rings on a tree, something had changed him and the idea of stepping into that private memory, that secret that he clearly did not want her to know when he was awake was terrifying.

"It's ok." He turned and offered a hand before she realized she had stopped. She stared for a moment at his welcoming brown eyes that she had come to find more calming than anything else in her world. "I'm still here." He told her clearly understanding her hesitation. "You want to know me, to know him this is the way." She took his hand after only a moment's hesitation and with a flash they were somewhere different. It was a town on one of the outer planets, not too well populated but enough that it was a stop for passing transports. She could see Mal in his brown coat uniform making his way through the crowd with several other solders all of them weary and ragged clearly just off a battle of some kind.

Young Mal led her into a bar that the group of brown coats entered shortly after all ordering drinks and ignoring the stares of the people around them. "Any plans from here then?" one of the others asked Mal as he sipped his drink leaning back in his chair in a familiar way.

"Stay under the radar until we can get someone out here to pick up the ship that _someone_ crashed into a rock." Mal glared at the solder to his left who ducked his head clearly the pilot that had gotten them stranded. He took another sip of his drink as River studied this incarnation of her friend. He was in his early twenties, the lines of worry and laughter had yet to dig into his face and his hair was a bit longer but he was closer to her Mal then the boy sitting beside her was. She found herself inching closer to him trying to get a taste of the safety and security she craved that only he could provide.

"Don't." the Mal by her side warned his hand on her arm clearly concerned for her safety. "This is where it gets bad."

"What?" her question was answered when enemy soldiers burst into the bar weapons drawn. Even though she intellectually knew she couldn't be hurt it didn't stop the twinge of panic and instinct that had her flip over the bar taking her stunned counterpart with her.

"You're gonna have to teach me that." He smiled and nodded at the confrontation. The soldiers were evenly matched and River knew Mal well enough to know they weren't leaving without a fight. She was proved correct when he pulled his gun with a speed she knew was borne of years of practice and fired off three shots while diving out of the way of the returning hail of bullets. As with most firefights it lasted only a few minutes though it felt longer watching Mal battle his way through the mess of men with his falling all around him. Even knowing he would come out of it alright she still couldn't help the fear that gripped her at the sight of the violence.

Soon there was silence the last shot had been fired and Mal was clearly the only solder left standing a few civilians around the bar began standing coming out form their hiding spots and shaking plaster and blood from their bodies but Mal was focused elsewhere. She went around the bar ignoring the plea of the boy beside her to stay where she was. She stepped up next to him and followed his eyes to the floor a gasp escaping her mouth before she could stop it. The girl was barely five years old and it was clear from the amount of blood that she was dead.

A thunk drew her attention to Mal who had dropped to his knees beside her pressing his hands ineffectually over her wounds. "Stop everybody!" three more brown coats entered the room guns drawn led by Zoe who looked around stunned at the carnage. She looked through River to Mal who was kneeling on the ground still trying desperately to save the already dead girl. "Captain Malcolm Reynolds?" she asked her hand on his shoulder. He did nothing but shake her off but that appeared to be all she needed to hear. She flipped her gun around and cold cocked him as the memory faded into black only Mal's broken voice echoing in her ear.

"It's all my fault."

A/N Well there you have it my version of how Zoe and Mal met! Next chapter we will delve back into Serenity and see how time is passing there I wanted to throw in a few good memories for Mal and River to go through and I though you all might have some suggestions! Any and all will be welcome as well as questions that you might not think I'm answering well in the story (I know it's a bit confusing) as long as they won't kill the ending I'll be happy to answer them! Thanks For Reading!


	9. Chapter 9

They were silent as they watched. They had talked in the beginning, throwing out theories eventually they got so far-fetched Jayne and Kaylee were offering suggestions that weren't sounding as idiotic as they had when the game began. When the idea of dinosaur mind reading had entered the realm of possibility Zoe had shut them down. It started when the Shepard had trouble sleeping, he had decide to say a prayer over Mal knowing the man himself wouldn't appreciate it but hoping it would put his mind at ease. He had found Simon drugged and River with her hands resting against Mal's forehead appearing almost asleep. He had thought it sweet until he tried to touch her and a shot of static electricity had shot him clear across the room waking Simon from what they now knew was a drug induced slumber. Wash had tried touching the pair with the same result discouraging anyone else from attempting it and upon Simon's request that they be left alone nothing else had been done.

Though he had remained mostly quiet the anger had continued to build within Simon as the time wore on. He blamed Mal for what his sister was doing for he knew she was causing the electric field. She must have sensed in some way that the drugs she had given him wouldn't be enough to last her through her entire mission to bring him back. He had tested the magnetic field and though it covered all of Mal's body it was concentrated and strongest around hers, making identifying the source easy enough.

He had seen River enter minds before; she had done it even when they were children though for les s important reasons, then it had been to discover their Christmas presents, or a punishment their parents were going to give for some act of destruction or disobedience. Her foresight had done wonders for their being one step ahead all their lives she had won him class president by anticipating the smear campaign his opponent had planned against him and helping him to counter it before it began. The look she carried when she delved into people's minds was the same, it was like she was there but not completely, not in the way she floated around Serenity but in a more real way. Her eyes were open and unblinking; her stare focused on a spot just to the right of his head, if he hadn't grown used to the blankness it would be intimidating in its emotionlessness.

As he watched her enter deeper levels of his mind he watched Mal's reactions too. Though his movements were not obvious in fact Simon was sure only he and the Shepard had even noticed them, they were there. He was relaxing his muscles slowly but surely, taking whatever calming influence River was having over him and absorbing it in that physical way. Simon took a moment to survey the rest of the crew, they were not sitting anywhere near him still unsure of what to make of him. He knew they all thought the worst of him, thought him a monster like Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde from the old classics his father used to read them at bedtime. They thought him cold an unfeeling when really he was the opposite. He wanted the sister he grew up with, the girl who he loved that could turn anything into something positive. Who could walk into a room and make everybody in it feel better not uncomfortable. He wanted that for him yes but for her as well, he wanted the demons in her head to be gone, she deserved that.

* * *

River followed Mal who had grown to the age he had been at the bar through another path in the woods. This time the sword he carried was real though the jungle was not fighting them at all to get to this memory. "I have a question for you." He told her chopping at an errant bush as they went. "Do all minds look the same; are they all jungles or what?"

"No." she answered after a moment. "Some are hallways; I've seen mazes, spent time doing puzzles where each piece or section was a piece of the memory that needed to be recovered."

"It hurts you doesn't it." He had stopped and faced her, a smile was on his face but his eyes left no room for her to lie. "I saw when we were in the bar, everything I remember feeling at that moment, and you felt it too didn't you."

And there it was. The secret she had kept, the reason perhaps that she was the way she was. Her knowledge of the feelings behind the emotions she was forced to explore when she was held captive had in some ways made her 'crazy' but in others had kept her sane. "Yes." She answered mirroring his position on the path her arms folded over her chest.

"Then you should go." He told her thrusting his sword into the ground and sitting on a tree stump that appeared by his side. "Go back and leave me here, I'll find my own way out I know what to do now and there's no reason for you to go through all this."

"You went through it." She told him remaining standing and facing him down. She wasn't great at reading body language but she was sure one of the books she had read said height was an advantage and she so rarely had it over Mal she was determined to take advantage while she did.

"I didn't have a choice." He told her stretching his legs out making it quite clear he wasn't moving until she gave him a reason.

"I don't." she told him, "I need to understand."

"Understand what?" he asked his voice colder somehow. "Understand why I'm so fucked up. So I can be another experiment like you are to your brother!"

She couldn't help but take a step back. Though she knew he hadn't and outside of training he never would she honestly felt like he had struck her. It was clear he knew exactly what he said as he stood and moved toward her quickly unable to disguise the hurt in his eyes when she flinched from his touch. "I just wanted to help." She muttered quietly kicking at a root with her foot.

"Look, I got busted down to sergeant for that brawl, the only reason I wasn't kicked out was because they said they needed me. It's probably why I'm so insistent on being the captain of Serenity it's the rank I should be." He reached out again touching her shoulder gently. "I didn't mean what I just said River I promise."

"You said it to Simon." She told him. She realized that she was deviating from the plan, she was supposed to be delving into his issues not hers but for some reason as they often did with Mal around the words and feelings spewed out before she could keep them in. "You told Simon he thought I was a toy, something to be fixed, you never lie." She watched his face pale as he took in her words, before she could react he had pulled her against him burying her in the fiercest hug she had ever received in her life. He walked them backward until his back was against a tree and slid down cradling her in his lap like a child.

"That was just heat of the moment. I was mad at him, your brother loves you and what I said shouldn't be a reason for you to not talk to him." He muttered into her hair rocking her soothingly though she wasn't crying. She looked up and met his eyes stunned as he grew still older a few lines appearing on his face as she watched. She reached up and touched them taking in his appearance. He was closer to being ready probably close to twenty five now, it was almost over their adventure into his mind and she found herself sorry that was the case.

Realization dawned as he took her hand and pulled it gently from his face. "There's something about me" she whispered. "That's why you don't want me to see, something about me that is stopping you from waking up." He closed his eyes and sighed in resignation before the scene around them changed again, instead of the jungle they were in Mal's bunk a familiar place they spent many nights and most days they weren't busy.

The lights were off and clearly they both should be in bed, she could see herself under the covers half asleep as she often was waiting for Mal to change and join her before she was fully able to rest. She tried to stand to get a better view but Mal's strong arms pulled her close resting his forehead against the back of her head as though he was afraid to see what was to come. She watched Mal, her Mal from as soon as a few days ago enter the room in his typical tee shirt and sleep pants combination. He stretched and lifted the covers on his side of the bed, she could see well enough to note her draping herself over him as was her custom but as the River on the bed fell asleep for the first time she looked at Mal. He remained awake staring at the top of the bunk until her breathing evened out and it was clear she was asleep. "I do this every night." The Mal behind her said his breath hot against her neck. She watched as her Mal lifted his head and pressed a feather light kiss on the crown of sleeping River's head.

"I love you." She heard him mutter before he also drifted off. She turned and saw the same Mal on the bed was now holding her in the forest again. She knew they had precious seconds before he would pull out of his coma and she would wake from her trance.

"You-" she began but he cut her off.

"Don't hate me I just have to do this." She had no answer to give him and even had she the words they would have been useless as his lips crashed down upon hers. She squeaked in surprise but the rush of warmth had her body reacting before her mind as she threw her arms around his neck returning the kiss just as passionately. She felt the tug of reality and fought hard, clinging to this new part of him the new reality that they shared in that moment but she was not strong enough and the next thing she saw was Simon's concerned gaze. She looked down at Mal who was staring up at her his face unreadable, she allowed a small caress of his temples before she removed her hands and stepped back allowing her brother to look over Mal who continued to watch her until he couldn't see her any longer as she slowly retreated from the infirmary.


	10. Chapter 10

He wasn't sure how just yet but somehow he managed to completely avoid the woman who had been his constant shadow only a week before for a full twenty-four hours. A result of her being inside his head and earning a greater understanding of who he was had shown itself as a greater understanding of her as well. He knew that along with needing time to acclimate to her re-introduction to the world she also needed time to work around what had been revealed in his dream. She was probably off hiding in the belly of Serenity a ship she knew almost as well as him. He thought as he made his way to his bunk for the first time since being released from the infirmary.

River had not said anything but it was clear in her approving nod at Simon that she was done punishing him and the doctor had been taken off lockdown though the crew was still suspicious. Mal had been quite grateful for the reprieve, spending the week he was stuck recovering sharing a room with Simon Tam had not been something he was looking forward to. He had sensed River watching them, though he never caught her, she would appear whenever he had a checkup or was simply sitting and talking to the doctor perhaps to protect him or perhaps just to see him he wasn't sure.

His ribs gave a groan of protest as he climbed the ladder down to his bunk, Simon had wanted to keep him another day but Mal had refused. A week was enough leave for any captain and any crew of such a vessel that serenity was. Spending as much time in one place as they had was risky they had to dodge a few alliance nets to get away undetected and it had come too close for comfort on more than one occasion.

He turned stretching his arms as high over his head as they could go and nearly fell backward as he was met with a pair of cool grey eyes he knew quite well. "River." He said lowering his arms to his sides and staring at her. She was perched on the top bunk of the bed the mussed sheets making it clear where her makeshift hideout had been. He should have known, she had told him on more than one occasion in her own way that she felt comfortable in his bunk a rare occurrence for her.

"Thinking." She replied lifting a slim finger to her lips. "Not done yet." She told him seriously. He nodded respecting her urge to not discuss anything until she was ready though he silently gave her a month. "Will talk." She said after a moment, "To Simon, have to talk to Simon." She told him following that declaration with a determined nod. She hopped gracefully off the bunk and marched past him clearly intending to wake her brother immediately.

"Hold your horses there girlie." He smiled gripping her upper arm as she tried to pass him. "It's late and your brother has been up all day fussin over me. Mayhaps you should give him a night of uninterrupted sleep and talk to him in the morning." He suggested smiling; he watched her eyes cloud over as she considered his idea before finally nodding.

"Simon used to fight when he was tired." She told him out of the blue. "Daddy would say push Simon push, and Simon would say, I'm not River, I'm not perfect." She said as though she was trying to explain something to him that he wasn't getting. "Simon is upset because here." Mal had to force his body to remain calm as she lifted a warm palm and placed it over his heart. "Here he wanted me to go." She paused for a moment as though she wasn't sure what to say next. "Even when scared, you never want me to go." She said smiling at him lightly.

As she made her way back to the bed Mal smiled, for a moment all the fear that had been consuming him since he realized that how he felt was finally out and there for the world to see was gone. He followed her toward the bed stopping her before she lay down. "I know you wanted to wait to have this talk but there's something you need to know." He gripped her cheeks tightly in his hands unable to stop his thumbs from stroking the soft skin of her cheeks as her fluttering eyelashes caressed his fingers. "I will never want you to go. No matter what you decide you want to do about what you heard I will never ask you to go or truly want you to go."

She blinked again and then slowly nodded. Mal reached up and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead smiling as her breath caught. Even if she could never love him at least he knew she might stay with him, might remain a part of his ship, his crew, and his family. He pulled away and grabbed his nightclothes from the back of his desk chair before walking into the bathroom thrilled to hear the sounds of her slipping into the bed. As much as he was sure kissing her even if it was on the forehead had been the right choice he wasn't sure how she would react to it and the fact that she chose to stay said a lot for his chances.

After changing and preparing for bed he slipped in beside her resting on his back and staring up at the empty bunk above him. She remained still beside him for a moment as was their ritual, either she would roll over and go to sleep or she would stay awake and they would talk, sometimes into the early morning about different things. "I want to know." She told him, he chuckled lightly at her demanding tone.

"Know what, you've been in my head I don't think there's much else you could possibly ask from me." He smiled knowing she couldn't see him but enjoying the moment all the same.

"What they were like, your squad." She said her voice not reflecting his humor at all but remaining completely serious. Her answer stopped him short as well, he hadn't thought about his squad mates who were killed in years their appearance on his list of issues had taken him by surprise as well.

"Why?" he asked after a moment of contemplating her question.

"You took the places I saw the reasons." She scooted closer resting her head against his chest. "Not what happened that you hated, even though it was bad but that you forgot. If you forget again it might happen again, might not be able to get you out." She explained in her usual cryptic way.

He thought for a moment, though he regretted his caviler attitude that day at the bar he knew intellectually that any captain would have done the same. They weren't there to drink or socialize they were there to fight a war. It was his forgetting the men he died with, the men that taught him so much about how to lead and how to fight that he could safely say not only would he have likely died that day but many times over without their guidance.

"Well there was Parker who was just an idiot." He began chuckling as he recalled a few practical jokes the youngest man in their unit had pulled a few times. He continued reminiscing as River pulled him close, for the first time since they shared a bed they shared it as equals, not him protecting her from her nightmares arriving nor her comforting him in the aftermath of one of his. They were partners as stories from Mal prompted some from what River could remember of her childhood antics with Simon and her dance classes. When the finally drifted off intertwined it was peace in a room so often filled with terror.

A/N I know but she's gonna talk to Simon next chapter and we shall see where it goes from there.


	11. Chapter 11

He could sense her presence; he assumed it was part of spending literally his entire life with her. Children such as them, gifted children were often without close friends and were forced to gravitate toward each other. Logically he knew it wasn't possible but the way she felt, the disappointment in him hurt him every day since he did what he did. He knew he would never make her understand but he could feel her resolve to attempt forgiveness something he had come to think he would never receive. So he was patient as he allowed her to work through her problems, her issues concerning him as she watched him take inventory. Due to his odd sleep patterns he was not entirely sure when she had taken up residence hanging off a pillar where all he could see was a corner of her face, had he not sensed her he never would have seen her a gift she had since childhood. "It seems like nothing has changed on days like this." He spoke softly though he knew she could hear him clearly. "If I don't look around too carefully I could be sitting at my desk with you peeking in the window after you climbed that tree mother always panicked about. Correcting me from a distance, one of the most infuriating things you ever did."

He chanced another glance at her and saw she had shifted slightly as she listened to his words. "I remember when you fell out that day, do you?" he saw her nod knowing that while to anyone else he would be focused on his inventory to her he was only seeing her. "Mom was yelling and screaming and dad set your leg, they went off to get you something to help with the pain and I snuck in. I thought you were dying the way they were carrying on but you were just sitting there." He felt his heart in the back of his throat as he continued the story. "You smiled at me and it seemed like it would all be ok. River you were so beautiful and so little… I've been protecting you since then and I didn't think… I just didn't think." He watched her slither down off the pillar her eyes glassy as she stepped up to the glass door.

Unlike before his transgression the door did not sense her presence and open, it had been overridden with a code that only three people on the ship River one of them. He couldn't help the stab of pain as she did not even make a move to release him just watched. He swallowed his tears and continued. "I got that letter and suddenly everything I felt from you, every fear, and every moment of desperation made sense. Suddenly I knew there was something wrong but god nobody would believe me and it was like you fell all over again but they just let you lay there."

He brushed a tear from his eye one he was not even aware had fallen as he recalled the panic of that week after successfully deciphering her letter. "It wasn't long, well long by our standards but not long by others until my panic turned into a plan." They had never discussed her time in captivity from his side. They had talked her experience to death but not touched on what he had gone through to get her out and he needed her to understand. "I knew I had to hide it from mom and dad, they didn't believe anything as much as they loved us they were never that close to what we were. As intelligent and beautiful they could never reach us in the same way. I took the money they gave me, spending money they called it but I quickly realized that on the Black market I was a gold mine. We were… are so wealthy River it's almost ridiculous."

He paused in his story as he remembered that time, learning that unlike his sister his intelligence translated into people skills that allowed him to manipulate and bargain his way into information and supplies under the code name _Frater,_ Latin for brother and his sister's pet name for him from the age of seven. "As I became more noticed in the underworld it got out among a select few what I was after. That's when they started looking closer I've correlated that to the time when they started putting you in isolation more." The shame on his face was obvious, when he did out a timeline and realized his actions had affected her it had nearly killed him. "I didn't think they would make the connection, I overestimated my intelligence I guess. We were not raised to that world you understand. I was finding my own way and doing it rather poorly as far as covering my real identity went. It came in handy though because after it came out that I was a Tam doors opened. I was taken seriously by groups like Jiyu Jiyu a team that knew what they were trying to turn you into and was opposed. My name opened doors for them; I got access to the homes of the elite and floor plans. I financed backdoor deals and Black market trades at a whole new level and every day we were closer. It was only a month after I met up with them that we had the plan for your break out. We freed seventeen others that day." Her head jerked up in surprise he hadn't told her that, she opened her mouth to yell but he put up a hand, unsure how to explain the rest. "They are all dead." Her eyes widened and she stepped back until her back hit the wall across from his door. She slid down slowly pulling her knees tight to her chest curling into the smallest ball she could.

Simon ached to touch her, to hold her like he had when they were children and the world was a complicated as her cast making it harder to fit her in the tree house. Instead he pressed his hands to the glass until his knuckles were white watching her break down in front of him. In the back of his mind he realized Mal must have ordered no interference because the sobs she was releasing must have been carrying through the entire ship. Her voice was rusty as she cried and it killed him again to know it was due to lack of practice, sobbing allowed was not allowed for assassins.

"How?" she spit out after what felt like hours but really must have only been ten minutes. He paused taking her in and wondered if he should tell her, she was already so fragile. It was Mal's voice in his head instead of his mother's that used to be his voice of reason. _Have you learned nothing, you don't make that choice she does and she wants to know._ It told him, he sighed and bowed to the wisdom of his inner monologue and nodded.

"Three died the first night, their minds and bodies couldn't handle what they had been forced to see and do without the drugs the academy pumped into all of you." Seven committed suicide within the first week, again they couldn't handle it. We corresponded up until the last one died two months ago, they were dying off slowly and we found out it was because the academy drugs had them hooked, it was all withdrawal but they didn't have a doctor after I left. That's why I put you in the box, the drugs I pumped in you were also to help you detox. I only found that out in time to save three of them, one was paralyzed from the waist down, and he got killed when they were trying to escape a stronghold that was raided by the alliance.

"The last two?" she asked quietly her eyes telling him she already knew the answer to her question.

"They lost themselves River." He answered. He felt no guilt knowing that the people who helped set his sister free used those they liberated for their own assassinations, taking the game controller from the other kid at recess as it were. "They were fine when they had a mission, a dossier to learn and a mission to carry out but once they were stagnant. Once there was no killing to be done they went insane, the side effect of the plan of the academy and why I didn't want you here!"

"I'm safe here." She whispered still comprehending what she had been told about her fellow inmates.

"No River you're comfortable here, eventually that desire will hit you just like it hit them, it didn't happen right away you know it was steady and slow and crept up on them when they weren't expecting it. We need to keep moving!" he yelled standing and banging a fist against the door. Speaking to those who had witnessed the brutality of his sister's companions had traumatized him in a way, he would not allow that to happen to his sweet innocent beautiful sister. "I can't lose you." He moved to press his forehead against the glass door but nearly fell over in shock when instead he bumped into his sister. Her hand hovered over the control panel her eyes filled with tears as she looked at him face to face for the first time it seemed.

He pulled her to him without a second thought burying his face in the fragrance of her hair, the smell he remembered from the storms. He was the older brother and not supposed to be afraid, he would act all tough when she asked to stay with him, call her a baby and preen about how much better he was. But after she was asleep he would lean forward and bury his face in her hair, warding off his own nightmares while protecting her from hers. "I can never be without you again." He whispered pressing a gentle kiss to the top of her head. "If this is what you want." He pushed her back far enough to meet her eyes hoping she could read the sincerity in his. "If this is truly what you want we can stay."

A/N I know no River Mal interaction in this chapter but Simon's motivations are important, as well as what we found out about River's escape… dun dun dun!


	12. Chapter 12

He could feel his entire world focus on her. He watched her curl up away from her brother and though they could hear nothing if he found out that Simon had done something to upset her, he would feel every ounce of pain he knew she was ten times over. It was Zoe's hand on his elbow that told him he had moved, his natural instinct to comfort her unstoppable. "Let them talk Cap." She told him her voice low, though he was sure everyone else had an idea of the connection between himself and River he had admitted it only to Zoe.

"She needs me." He pointed to the broken girl on the monitor his tone telling her that he was not stopping.

"She needs to work this out Mal. She needs to have him too." Zoe stared him down her intensity forcing his eyes to the ground. She nodded and released him though she remained focused on him in case he made a move to interrupt again. He focused back on the monitor and watched River open the door accepting her brother into her arms. The tears running down his face were clear as he eyed the camera knowing that they were watching. Mal's hands clenched into fists as Simon mouthed a thank you at them before burrowing his face in his sister's hair again.

"Did you talk to her?" Zoe asked pulling Mal into a corner as Simon brought River out of view of the cameras. Mal resisted until he could no longer see her and made sure to stand within sight of the monitor.

"Kinda, in the dream… I don't know how much she really wants to remember though. She's been focusing more on me trying to forget the parts that hurt or confused her." Mal admitted running and hand through his hair. River had to fix things with her brother before they could fix things with them and he knew that but it didn't help him move past it.

"She's listening to you though." Zoe told him smirking at his look of surprise, he didn't tell her about their conversation the night before. "Mal that girl had no desire to be near him before this morning. The only time she was within a hundred feet of the infirmary was when you had a checkup to make sure you were ok."

"I know it was killing her." Mal admitted, "She had nightmares about it, he's been protecting her for so long the idea that he wasn't anymore was killing her." He leaned back against the wall his head hitting the metal of the ship with a thunk that echoed through the cockpit. He noticed it had emptied save Wash who was focused very carefully on the controls and trying desperately not to listen.

"Mal?" River's soft voice hoarse from crying came through the speaker by his head. "I know you can hear me and I'm ok." He heard her take a deep breath and his entire body tensed again he could tell he was not going to like what he was going to hear. "I'm going into the walls, I'll be back." With that she cut off before he could reply. He didn't bother trying to contact her through the speakers, he knew her well enough that she would be long gone from hearing range before his finger even hit the button. He sighed and glanced at Zoe giving her a nod of thanks before heading off to his bunk. At least if he lay down in his bed he could pretend to rest while the whole time he would be sitting there worried out of his mind for the state of River.

For some reason she could feel safe in the walls of Serenity. She had known upon learning the ship's name that it would become a home to her, if not her brother. She needed the strength of its iron walls and the beauty of its simple design to keep her sane. She needed something to occupy her, not even Mal knew about the welding errors in the ship. They were nothing that would harm it, if anything it made Serenity stronger, half the ship had been welded with a five foot gap between the outer and inner walls. She could literally hide inside the ship safe from detection and able to see and hear what went on. She was currently hiding over the kitchen where dinner was going on, Wash had put the ship on auto-pilot and joined the oddly quiet crew. She knew it was her fault and felt a bit of guilt but chose to move that feeling to the back of her brain-box and focus on the group at the table.

Jayne, he scared her in his own way. He was very cautious around her now but before he had made his intention to hurt her and her brother quite clear. She supposed on some level she could understand his hesitance to have her around, people did tend to die around her quite often. However his large muscles and guns to match made his fright quite comical to the rest of the crew, something they teased him about often, being scared of the little girl.

Next there was Kaylee, her brother's girlfriend or as close as one could get. They were seated apart; apparently Kaylee had not been able to forgive Simon quite as easily as River had. She felt a kinship with the mechanic, though it was hard for most to tell she and Kaylee were close in age only about a year separating them and she had found that though she didn't understand most of what River said Kaylee was willing to listen. She had even lent her books on things like physics and philosophy to help their conversations go more smoothly and it hadn't been long before she was asking questions and studying more on her own.

Wash was sitting beside her; he was quite possibly the only person on the ship who had taught her something she didn't already know. Though it had been a quick lesson she found he was special to her for that reason, not many people were able to show her things, she mostly already knew. It was cause for strain between her and her parents, to them it had seemed that she was spitting in their faces, turning down the knowledge they offered her, perhaps why they sent her away in the first place, and then later were less than interested in searching for her.

Zoe was always either by Wash or Mal, she could sense the connection they shared but there was no romance there. They felt for each other what she felt for Simon, love and a desire to protect but not lust or desire, that was all saved up for Wash in Zoe's mind. The second in command of Serenity was someone else she respected very deeply, Zoe had accepted her and unlike everyone else on the ship treated her no different. When River did something wrong Zoe yelled, when she did something right Zoe praised but never called her stupid or weird or treated her like a killer. Even now knowing what she had been trained for Zoe would still treat her like River.

Inara was someone River found herself disliking greatly. Especially as she watched the older woman try to get Mal's attention again. She flaunted herself infront of him and it made her jealous when he rejected her, though it filled River with a sense of glee. She imagined Kaylee could explain that to her when they had a chance to talk next. Inara's profession was something River was fully aware of Jayne was thrilled to tell anyone who would listen if he thought they could understand or not.

The Shepard was odd. She recognized him from somewhere, something vaguely familiar about him that threw her off when they were together alone. As such she avoided spending time alone with him if she could. He was a simple man always in his odd robes and talking to her about someone named God and some plan that she was a part of. She mostly tuned him out when he went on like that, but when he talked to her about math, his favorite subject they could converse for hours. They had found it an interesting pastime to write equations on the side of the ship and try to stump each other, so far River hard yet to be stumped though she had managed to get the Shepard once.

Finally her eyes landed on Mal, for some reason how she felt about him was confusing, more so then her current feelings toward her brother. He said he loved her, she was quite clear that it was more than just a friendly way and she couldn't help but notice that when around him she felt less lost inside her own head. It was part of why she had spent the day trailing him she had been everywhere he had been the entire day she found it easier to think with his calming influence. His head was down as he ate though he would shoot a glare at Simon every once and a while as her brother did his best to ignore it, perhaps understanding he deserved it. Mal seemed to make it his goal lately to protect her, first from the monster in his head, then from Simon, and finally from herself when he felt Simon was safe again. She was grateful to him for that; sometimes she forgot to watch her six as he told her when they sparred. She forgot that attacks could some from any angle and she needed to always be prepared, the simplest thing that she had been shown at the academy and a few months on Serenity made her forget.

They used to send attackers out after the fight was over, you would take down four or five then have seven come out of the woodwork, she had to use all her senses not just her eyes to stop them from getting her. She had been very good at that game. As Mal and Zoe began cleaning the dishes she slinked away popping out in the corridor where her and Mal's room was, she entered their room and curled up on their bed, when he returned they had to talk.

A/N: She's becoming more lucid and yes I'm aware. This story is winding down but there will be a sequel but before that the reason for her return to sanity will be explained, and a long overdue conversation between her and Mal.


	13. Chapter 13

His gait was slow as he made his way down the hallway. Due to their recent score dinner had consisted of more than just protein bars. They had scored a few chickens one of which they had saved to eat when River made her way out of the walls and the other two they planned to keep for eggs. He could not resist the chuckle as he came to the realization that he had taken on more strays to add to his pack. Dinner had been subdued the absence of River noticed and dealt with by everyone in different ways. He was not positive but was almost sure he had felt her in the walls during their dinner and had kept his head down and eyes closed praying to hear a sound. It had been a week since he had seen her, he sensed her constantly but she never made a sound, except at night she would tap lightly on the wall beside his bed, her way of telling him she was there.

The thought of that moment quickened his pace. He could sense her all he wanted but the concrete knowledge that she would be there as given by her knock was the best part of his day. He punched in his bunk code and made his way down turning with his shirt already half undone in preparation for bed only to freeze at the sight of her sitting cross-legged on his bed. He moved slowly toward her as though she were a wounded deer and would bolt at first chance. His motion stopped three feet from her he could still see her without having to bend over but was close enough that he figured he had a fair shot to grab her before she went away. The past week without her had convinced him of only one thing, he would not be separated from the woman sitting before him for any reason.

"Nice to see ya." He said softly his voice gruff with emotion. He wanted nothing more than to bury her in his arms, he was sure that was the only cure for the pain in his chest. She stood staring at him watching him just as closely has he did her. Her approach was careful and it felt like forever until she was standing in front of him looking up into his eyes. She raised a tentative hand and pressed it against the skin of his chest moving it until it settled right over his heart.

"Missed you." She whispered softly. It was all the invitation he needed to crush her small lithe form against his bigger one. Her hands reached up clasping around his back just as quickly holding him to her tightly as if she thought he might disappear.

"I missed you too sweetheart. Which is why you should not ever run away again." He muttered the last half into her hair, had she been just a bit further away from him she would not have heard it. As it was she stiffened and pulled back enough to look him in the eye.

"Had to think, brain-box doesn't work right when you're here, distracting to think with you here." She told him her words childish and jumbled but her meaning and seriousness clear.

"What can we do about that? Cuz you see it's hard for me to think when you're around too. But I hate you leaving more." He told her guiding them to the bed never letting go of her hand and wrapping her into his embrace as soon as they were seated.

"Not going away again." She stated emphatically. "Did not like it."

"That's the best news I've heard all week." He told her pressing a gentle kiss to her hair. The smell of shampoo told him she had been waiting for a while, quite possibly through all of his after dinner rounds. It explained why he had not felt her. "Guess you got a bit dirty hanging around the ship all week huh?" he asked enjoying the fresh clean scent.

"Dusty." She agreed settling further into him. She looked up and met his eyes hers bright and inquisitive. He imagined he was looking at the River that Simon had described. Her gaze was curious, bright, excited, and full of knowledge. "Are you leaving?"

"Not a chance in hell." He growled almost offended she thought he could, let alone wanted to.

"Both want to stay." She told him placing a gentle kiss to the bare skin of his chest, over his heart the action forcing him to hold his breath as her head remained against his shoulder blowing hot air across his skin.

"You're playing with fire darling." He told her seriously as his body shivered begging him to take her into his arms and made her his in every way possible.

"Both love Serenity." She said ignoring his warning and remaining where she was her hand beginning to trail lightly over his body. She giggled slightly at his half stifled groan that echoed through the empty room. She stilled and looked at him staring until he met her eyes their laughter forgotten at the seriousness of her expression. "Both love each other." She informed him searching his face for some indication that he understood.

A happiness he had never experienced in his life welled up in his chest. He knew she loved him, he knew it before she did but to hear that she acknowledged it, his chest almost burst with the beating of his heart. He felt her shifting clearly waiting for an answer and realized he had been staring at her since she made her confession. "I have never loved anybody like I do you." He ran a hand over her cheek admiring the softness of her skin. His hand came around to cup her chin and he pulled her to him pressing first one then another gentle kiss to her lips.

It did not take long for her to join him kissing back with the same tenderness. It was like the stories said, the world fell away and all that mattered was her legs straddling him, her hands one pressed against his chest the other buried in his hair, and her lips fused tightly to his as she poured every feeling she could never describe into the kiss they shared. He pulled back and smiled at her whimper of protest, his hands came down to rest at her hips stroking her with his thumbs unable it seemed to stop touching her. "Stopped?" she asked pouting slightly, he couldn't resist placing another gentle kiss to her lips pulling back before she could coax him further.

"I stopped because I love you. I need you to understand that from here on in I will not stop loving you." He told her, it was his turn to be serious it seemed and she understood sitting back on his thighs instead of over his groin where she had been. "If you run I will Chase you, if you hide I will find you, if you are in trouble I will save you, and if you need me I will be there. I need you to understand that you are my world, you have to be completely serious about this or you need to leave now. Right now if you leave I can still bear being around you, but if we go where this is leading us." He gestured to his fully opened shirt and both their rumpled appearances. "If we go there, I can never come back."

She studied him for a moment knowing he needed her to think before answering. It nearly broke his heart when she leaned forward and hugged him tightly. His arms came around her fiercely sure she was about to tell him goodbye. He held back a tear, the first in a long time as he held her close memorizing the feel of her against him. Not because of training or because she fell but because she wanted to be. She pulled back slightly and smiled before kissing him again. Relief rolled through him in waves as he absorbed her kiss quickly flipping them so he was sprawled out over her smaller form their mouth's still fused.

When he thought back on that first night he would remember different things. The feel of her strength as she held him to her, the happy realization that the softness of her hands and face was everywhere, leading to whole new places for him to explore, her eyes the first time they were joined and how they seemed to swallow him whole.

The part he would remember best of all was after, he had tried to roll off her but her grip around his body brought her with him so she laid on top of him her bleary eyes looking around confused by their movement. She continued to stare around confused until her eyes met his, it changed then into a gaze of pure love as she leaned forward kissing him softly. "Love you but tired." She said slithering off him to rest in her normal nighttime position her head gently on his shoulder right by his bullet wound.

"I love you too sweetheart, more than anything." He answered his words swallowed by the darkness and unheard by his sleeping partner. It was alright he thought as he pulled the covers over them, he would have plenty more opportunities if he had anything to say about it.

A/N Well it's done, 13 chapters is 3 more than I thought it would hit. I'm working on a sequel that will bring back a lot of the elements of the story that we got from this part and bring us right up to where the movie began. Might add in a couple one shots to work the movie into my AU world but I hope you enjoyed Out of Gas and I will see you again soon!


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